UNAPPETIZING POST II: VERMIN!!

Remember when I had to pull a clump of hair out of the shower drain, and it resembled a sodden rat? Well, this weekend I met that hair clump's cousin - a REAL GIANT RAT.

This is a sad story for those who don't like to hear about dead rodents. And it's a gross story for those who don't like to hear about live OR dead rodents. Most likely, no one should read it. The only exceptions are those who will enjoy carrying with them the mental image of me 1) quietly screeching while also 2) freaking out as well as 3) flipping my shit (I'm looking at you, Scurvington Marie).

Picture it: Sicily, 1932; night. Our cat, Pope Lazarus I, has become increasingly interested in looking through the glass doors at something outside on our sunken patio. Disc0 and I figure it's probably shadows, or friendly ghosts...until I see something alight on the outside handle of the porch door. "A giant moth!" I exclaim, "or perhaps a bat which will soon leave the state and never, never come again, leaving me worry free!"

Disc0 is the first one to notice the tail. And then begins the squeaking.

So a giant rat, at least half the size of Pope Lazarus I the Jungle Cat, is freaking out, trying to escape our sunken patio (into which it either jumped in search of old leaves and PBR cans, or fell during a Showgirls-esque brawl with his understudy for the role of the Rat King in the Urban Blight Productions production of the Nutracker [this was a big rat, y'all]). We know this much - Disc0, Pope Lazarus I and I cannot open the patio door to help him, or the Rat King will surely enter, swiftly overcome us, and start making himself an omelette. So we figure - he got himself down there, he can get himself back up. Rats can scramble up 6 feet of brick, right? RIGHT?

The next day, the Rat King is nowhere to be seen. We figure he climbed out or was rescued by a hawk. Sadly, later in the afternoon, the Rat King emerged from a pile of leaves, looking pitiful. He crawled into a very dignified position...for this I am grateful... and soon, he was gone. In spirit. His gargantuan frame remained.

Long story short (not), Disc0 got a plastic bag in one hand, and paper bag in another; gently laid the Rat King to rest using both; and placed the paper bag on the lawn. But while he was traveling back upstairs - oh the horror! - Chicago's mighty wind struck the Rat King and his resting place back down into the porch! Disc0 was already up on the lawn! Immediate action was necessary!! So I put on my big girl boots, starting the quiet screech, and went to the porch- and lifted the paper bag by touching approximately four paper bag molecules with approximately 2% of the combined entire area of my thumb and forefinger...but I could still feel the melancholy weight of the fallen Rat King.

Crazy Glazey Chicken & Broccoli!

Whoo - don't worry all you readers (Scurvington Marie), I have been cooking this past month - just not really any new recipes. Kinda boring. So last night I made one up!!

This is based on the masterful work of Clare, who made the most ridiculously delicious marinade for grilled chicken I have ever eaten. I took the idea, and made a sort of general tso-ish, sweet glazed chicken dinner last night that was decidedly tasterrific! You'll want to start a few hours before dinnertime, because this involves some marinating.

INGREDIENTS:

TB of minced ginger
TB canola oil
TB sesame oil
2-3 TSP cornstarch
One small onion, sliced
Soy sauce (a bit more than a cup)
Maple syrup (a bit less than a cup)
1-2 chicken breasts. in bite-sized chunks
Head of broccoli
rice (I used thai purple sticky rice - I just like the consistency of glutinous rice, but this would probably be tasty with a more flavorful rice, too)

Mix together the soy sauce and maple syrup in a freezer bag, then add the ginger and make sure it's well mixed by smooshing the bag around. Fun. CLH TIP: Make sure the bag is securely closed before you put it down, or you will have marinade on your floor instead of in your belly. I know from experience, dude.

PLace the chicken chunks in the freezer bag. CLOSE IT SECURELY, and put it in the fridge for at least 1-2 hours.

When the marinating time is coming to an end, start to cook your rice (this usually takes about 30 minutes) based on the instructions on your rice container. Far be it from me to give tips on cooking rice - trust me, you'll do better with the manufacturer's instructions. At the same time, boil some water in another pot so you can steam your broccoli.

Heat the canola and sesame oils in your favorite, unsticky pan over medium heat. Cook your sliced onions until translucent, and then use tongs to transfer the chicken chunks from the marinade bag to the pan, but RESERVE the marinade. Sautee the chicken until just cooked through, and then pour the marinade into the pan with the chicken and onions. Stir in a couple of teaspoons of cornstarch to help it thicken. Bring it to a bubbly boil, and then reduce the heat and simmer.

While the sauce and chicken are simmering, hopefully your steaming pot is steaming - place your broccoli in a steamer and set over the boiling water, and steam for about 5 minutes.

Back to the chicken - cook for at least 5 minutes - I think I did more like 10 - until the sauce is nice and thick and glazey. Then serve over rice and with the broccoli - the sauce is good on all of these things and it makes for a very colorful plate!

CUPCAKES!

Well, darned if this isn't becoming a dessert blog. That's cool because dessert is my favorite thing to make.

These are the best chocolate cupcakes ever! The cake recipe comes from THE SUGAR BAR.

Here it is with US measurements and a couple small tweaks (like baking time):

3/4 cup butter
1 cup soft dark brown sugar
1/2 cup caster sugar
3 eggs
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup cocoa powder
2 tbs coffee granules
1 1/2 cup milk (I used semi-skimmed)
2 tsp vanilla extract

Preheat to 375.

Beat butter till soft, smooth, creamy and pale. Add sugar and beat till creamy. Beat in eggs one at a time.
Whisk flour, baking soda, salt, cocoa and coffee granules together. Mix the vanilla and milk together in a small bowl or pouring jug. Add a third of the dry ingredients into batter, mix well. Add half of the liquid, beat well. Alternate till you end with the dry ingredients.
Line muffin tray with liners. Fill cups 2/3 full.
Reduce oven heat to 345. Bake 20 minutes or so.
Let cool completely before icing.

I used a variation on AMY SEDARIS'S amazing frosting meant to go along with her vanilla cupcakes. If you are looking for the ultimate VANILLA cupcake, look no further than Amy Sedaris, my hostess and homemaking heroine. I added a little bit of peppermint oil to make my icing minty, so I have choco-mint cupcakes. See here (my first cooking pics)!!!

Bombay Sliders!

Tonight's dinner is Bombay Sliders (turkey burgers with Curry-Garlic Sauce). I used THIS RECIPE FROM EPICURIOUS - Delish!

However, I totally forgot to by Hawaiian rolls to use as the buns. Doh! Luckily I was rising some whole wheat sandwich bread this afternoon, so I turned it into whole wheat english muffins!

The recipe is from the always delightful Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything (this is the whole wheat, english muffin variation on his Sandwich Bread recipe on pp. 228-230).

Ingredients:
1.75 cups all-purpose flour
1.75 cups whole wheat flour
2 teaspoon salt
1.5 teaspoon instant yeast
2-3 Tablespoon honey
2 Tablespoon softened butter, plus more for greasing the bowl
1 to 1.33 cups cool milk

1) Place the flour in the container of a food processor fitted with the steel blade. Add the salt and yeast and process for 5 seconds. With the machine running, add the honey, softened butter, and most of the milk through the feed tube (you'll probably need a little less than 1.33 cups since you are using honey, a liquid sweetener). PRocess for 30 seconds, then remove the cover. The dough should be in a well-defined, barely sticky, easy-to-handle ball. If it is too dry, add milk 1 T at a time and process for 5-10 seconds after each addition. If it is too wet, which is unlikely, add a T or two of flour and process briefly. Knead for a minute or so by hand.

2) Grease a large bowl with butter or oil. Shape the dough into a rough ball, place it in the bowl, and cover with plastic wrap or damp towel. Let rise for at least 2 hours, until nearly doubled in bulk **CLH TIP: My house is kinda chilly, so I like to heat the oven up to 170 and then turn it off, then let the dough rise in the warm oven.** Deflate the ball and shape it once again into a ball; let rest on a lightly floured surface for about 15 minutes, covered.

3) Cut the dough into 12 roughly equal pieces. Using just enough flour to enable you to handle the dough, shape each into a 3- to 4- inch disc. Dust with flour and let rise for 30 to 45 minutes, or until puffy.

4) Preheat a griddle or large skillet over low heat for about 10 minutes; do not oil it. Sprinkle it with cornmeal, then bake the muffins, a few at a time, on both sides, turning occasionally, until lightly browned; a total of about 15 minutes. Cool on a rack and split with a fork before toasting.

I'm not a master breadmaker yet, but these were OK. The sliders and sauce were YUMMY especially with Bubbie's Bread and Butter pickle chips. YUM.

Speaking of cake....

Today I made brownies. This is an adaptation of the Ghirardelli Award-Winning Brown Recipe, with a couple of twists.

You will need:
2 eggs
3/4 cup of sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1/2 cup butter, melted
3/4 cup Ghirardelli sweet ground chocolate and cocoa powder
2/3 cup all-purpose flour (I actually used 1/3 all-purpose, 1/3 whole wheat)
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. salt

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
*Using a spoon, stir the eggs with the sugar;
*Add the vanilla.
*Stir in the melted butter.
*Sift the chocolate powder with the flour, baking powder and salt and stir flour mixture into the egg mixture.

At this point, you could just spread the mixture in a GREASED 8 inch square pan. HOWEVER, I recommend this twist.

CLH TWIST: Spread half of the mixture in the pan - spread it all around so it covers the bottom of the pan. Then take some chocolate bars and place them flat on top of the brownie mix in the pan. I used one caramel bar and one orange-chocolate bar. Then spread the rest of the brownie mix on top of the chocolate bars, making sure the spread it out to cover the entire area of the pan.

*Bake 20-30 minutes or until just set. Let cool completely. (CLH TIP: I did wait to let them cool completely. oops).

THESE ARE RIDONKULOUSLY TASTY.

Mug Cake!

There are MUG CAKE HOW-TOs (like this one from WIRED) floating all over the web, but I figured my loyal readers (AKA my cat Baxshebo) would want the CLH seal of approval.

I made a yummy Mug Cake just this evening. Here's how:

*Spray a large-ish coffee mug with cooking spray

*Put the following in said mug:

-Nine (9) tablespoons of hot cocoa/hot chocolate mix
-Four (4) tablespoons of whole wheat flour

*Stir together.

*Crack an egg into the cocoa/flour mix and stir to mix.

*Add 3 tablespoons of canola oil and 3 tablespoons of water and stir well - make sure to scrape all of the dry mixture from the bottom and incorporate it into the batter.

*stir in half a handful of chocolate chips

*Microwave on high for three (3) minutes.

The cake will rise above the top of the mug before your eyes as it cooks. After the beep, carefully remove the cake-in-mug from the microwave (use a potholder - it will be hot) and dump the cake onto a plate.

Listen - this isn't about presentation. It's about having chocolate cake for stuffing down your gullet five minutes after your initial decision that you want chocolate cake. It tastes best hot and fresh!

Getting Comfortable in the Kitchen

At least for me, it was important to get comfortable in the kitchen before I started to try Real Cooking. This cooking in this blog is meant to be Real Cooking for Beginners, but I've been doing a much better job with Real Cooking because let myself become familiar with basic kitchen processes. Feeling like a dunce in the kitchen can be the CAUSE, not just the result, of Fail Dinners! So if you feel like a non-cook, you can start out slow like I did.

A great way to do this is making easy-to-assemble meals that only require you to really cook the toppings. One of the first things I did was make spaghetti (just boil it) with pasta sauce (just pour it from the jar) with meat (which you kind of have to cook). Pre-cooked sausages are the easiest! I like to use Amy's Chicken Sausage. Cut the links up into chunks. Heat up some olive oil in a pan, and sautee the sausage chunks in the olive oil. Then add your pasta sauce and sautee for a couple of minutes. As you can see, you are using pots and pans, and oil and ingredients, but you aren't really cooking. It's idiot proof and delicious, and you get pretty comfortable sauteeing.

Another really yummy way to get comfortable with the stove is "homemade" pizza. You can buy pizza crusts and pizza sauce packets from Whole Foods. Then you can create your own pizza with whatever cheese and toppings you want. This makes me feel like I have created a "recipe" - it's all about building confidence, yo. I like to use shredded mozzarella and sometimes gouda. I learned HOW TO CARAMELIZE ONIONS FROM ALLRECIPES.COM. Except I use a buttload of brown sugar. After deglazing once, I add a few slices of turkey bacon and a little more brown sugar and, if necessary, oil, and cook until the turkey bacon is crispy. This makes a really tasty, sweet n' savory Brown Sugar Caramelized Onion & Bacon pizza. After making this a few times, I felt pretty safe in the kitchen and moved on to the recipes you see (and will see) here!